The Great Catspiracy: How Cats Took Over Without Us Noticing

By David W. Falls

The Silent Purr-suit of Power Begins

Thousands of years ago, humans had a problem – pests. Tiny, scurrying creatures that devoured grain, spread disease, and made life miserable. Enter the cat – sleek, self-sufficient, and entirely indifferent to expectation. (they were domesticated around 10 000 years ago, source Britanicca) But did we tame cats, or did they simply insert themselves into our civilization, solving our rodent problem in exchange for the benefits of domesticated life? Unlike dogs, bred for obedience, cats waltzed into human civilization on their own terms, offering their services in exchange for food, shelter, and the ability to knock expensive objects off high surfaces without consequences. Perhaps they were never domesticated at all, which begs the question – were we ever truly in charge?

Fast forward to today, and not much has changed. We still refill their food bowls, open doors at their command, sit motionless for hours as they rest peacefully on our laps, endure their unprovoked swats, and helplessly watch as they unapologetically destroy our belongings during their relentless campaign of casual destruction. Like many unsuspecting humans, I have fallen under the rule of these particularly strategic operatives. My cats, Frankie and Ele, have perfected domestication reversal, effortlessly ensuring their human subjects cater to their every need.

The Art of Subtle Control

Beyond the illusion of domestication, cats have refined the art of subtle control, ensuring we cater to their every whim without question. Their tactics are refined: a well-timed demand for food, a strategic sprawl across the keyboard mid-sentence, or the classic maneuver – claiming just enough space on the bed to leave us precariously balanced, contorted in ways we never thought possible, while they lounge in comfort. Any attempt to reclaim territory is met with swift feline retaliation – an offended flick of a tail (perhaps Ele’s), a judgmental stare from Frankie, or, worse, the chilling indifference that makes surrender inevitable. And, of course, we capitulate.

Not surprisingly, those of us with cats have come to accept – or perhaps been gently persuaded to believe – that we are mere tenants in their domain, cautiously navigating their demands as if one wrong move might earn us an abrupt eviction. Clearly, this isn’t domestication – it’s a carefully orchestrated, yet undeniably strategic, takeover by irresistibly charming little balls of fur. Resistance is futile.

From Sacred Deities to Household Rulers: The Eternal Reign of Cats

So, how did this arrangement unfold? Ancient Egyptians took the first major step toward full-fledged feline adoration, elevating cats from simple rodent hunters to divine beings. They were worshipped, pampered, and even legally protected – a status cats seemed more than happy to accept. Rather than being domesticated in the traditional sense, cats integrated themselves into human life with effortless charm, securing their place as the only pets who chose us first.

Even today, that tradition continues, embodied by my cats Frankie and Ele – two modern feline strategists who have taken their rightful place as household rulers. Much like their ancient counterparts, they expect unwavering devotion, effortless accommodations, and the occasional tribute in the form of treats or belly rubs (only on their terms, of course).

Their ancestors may have walked among pharaohs, but Frankie and Ele have perfected the art of ruling from the comfort of a warm lap or the highest perch in the house, subtly ensuring their humans remain dutifully trained in the ancient customs of feline servitude. Of course, Frankie and Ele aren’t the first to command such unwavering loyalty – history is full of feline rulers who shaped human behavior to suit their needs.

Cats Across History: Revered, Feared, and Always Present

As cats spread across civilizations, their status varied – revered in some societies, tolerated in others, and occasionally misunderstood. In medieval Europe, superstition led to their vilification, linking them to witchcraft and misfortune (it turns out that if you glare at people from a windowsill for long enough, they’ll assume you have demonic powers). Yet despite periods of distrust, their usefulness kept them close to human settlements, ensuring their survival and eventual return to favor.

From Viking Ships to Living Room Thrones: The Feline Expansion Continues

By the time the ‘Age of Exploration’ arrived, cats were indispensable aboard ships, controlling rodent populations and cementing their place as travelers, diplomats, and tiny, disapproving pirates. In particular, cats were treasured companions aboard Viking ships, protecting valuable food supplies. As Norse sailors traveled and traded across Europe, their feline companions hitched a ride, steadily expanding their presence throughout the continent. Rather than being molded by human influence, cats adapted effortlessly to every environment, proving that domestication had always been on their terms. From Viking ships to bustling ports, cats navigated every new environment with ease. But their greatest conquest was yet to come – securing dominance within our homes.

Despite their historical ups and downs, cats never lost their knack for securing prime real estate in our lives and hearts – often by claiming the warmest seat in the house and refusing to move. As urbanization spread and pest control methods evolved, their role as little hunters became less vital – but their mystique, independence, and undeniable charm ensured they remained a fixture in human life. After all, why waste energy hunting when they can instead conduct highly strategic 3 AM zoomies, ensuring their humans never get a full night’s sleep?

Rather than serving a clear function like dogs or livestock, cats carved out a space as companions who neither begged for attention nor depended on human approval. They simply existed alongside us, gracing our homes with their presence, judging our life choices, and occasionally acknowledging us when it suited them. They flourished on their own terms, further reinforcing the idea that their integration into human life was never imposed upon them, but rather a choice they made when it aligned with their interests – like free food, heated blankets, and a personal servant who never questions their authority. And yet, what started as a convenient arrangement soon became something far more calculated.

Companions on Their Own Terms

This quiet takeover was no accident – cats have always dictated their own terms, ensuring their survival without sacrificing independence or their effortless disregard for human expectations. They didn’t achieve this through traditional domestication, but rather through strategy, brilliance, and undeniable charm. Even today, they rule our homes with silent authority, shaping our behaviors and setting the rhythm of our daily routines.

This isn’t mere instinct – it’s a master plan, meticulously executed over thousands of years. And the best part? We let them get away with it, willingly and without question. Frankie, Ele, and their feline brethren never truly became domesticated – they simply perfected the art of training us, proving once and for all that we were never really in charge.

Stay tuned for more feline-fueled philosophy from David soon!